2.7 Jesus made Himself to be a person who had no fine reputation, and He took upon Himself the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men. 8And when He was found to be fashionable as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient unto death. He was even obedient to the death of the cross.
9 Wherefore, God has also highly exalted Him, and given Him a name which is above every name 10so that whenever anybody hears the name of Jesus, every knee should bow to Him. Every knee that should bow to Him are the knees of the things in Heaven, and the knees of the things in earth, and the knees of the things that are under the earth.
11 Every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, too, because every human, animal, and reptilian tongue that confesses that Jesus Christ is Lord is confessing to the glory of God the Father.
12 Wherefore, you Christians of Philippi are My beloved because you have always obeyed Me. Not only have you obeyed Me when you were in My presence, but now in My absence you obey Me even much more. Therefore, since I have you wrapped around My little finger, I am going to issue some more commandments for you to obey. And the first commandment is: "Thou shalt work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, you sucker saints!"
13 After all, when you obey Me, God is He who is working in you.
If you Christians knew God at all, you would know that Paul was indeed proclaiming himself to be the Savior who expressed the will of God. What a LIAR! AARGH!
God is both giving you His will and providing you with the compulsion to do His good pleasure when you obey Me. And this is what constitutes doing the will of God and performing behaviors that provide for His good pleasure.
14 Thou shalt do all things that I command you to do without murmuring among yourselves and disputing against Me, My commandments, and one another. 15If you obey Me without murmering and disputing, you may be viewed by God as being blameless of having done anything wrong. You may also be harmless sons of God who never do anything worthy of being rebuked, too. And you shall dwell in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation among whom you may shine as lights in the world. Then again you may not. Heh-heh.
16 Thou shalt hold forth the Word of Life that I preach to you so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ from knowing that I have not run against Him in vain, heh-heh, nor labored in vain.
17 Yea! And if I be offered up on the sacrifices you make to God and the services you perform due to your having faith in Me, I joy and rejoice with you all over My being offered as your sacrifices and service work. 18For the same cause of My being offered up on your sacrifices and service to Me do you also joy and rejoice with Me. Hellelujah!
19 Even so, I trust in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you shortly so that he may come back to tell Me how you are doing so that I may also be of good comfort when I know what state you are in. 20See what a super-special guy I am for loving you so much? After all, I have no man who thinks like I do who will naturally care for your state like I do. 21That's because all of My men seek to know the state of their own possessions, not the state of the things which belong to Jesus Christ like you do due to your having faith in Me.
22 Nevertheless, you Christians of Philippi know the proof of Timothy. You know the proof that he is like a son with his father when he is with Me, and he has served with Me in promoting M'Newer Gospel. 23I therefore hope to send him to Philippi presently, so I shall soon see how it will go with me; that is, whether or not you really do remain loyal to Me and M'Newer Gospel. Heh-heh.
24 But I trust in the Lord that I Myself shall also come shortly to Philippi. 25Even so, I yet supposed that it was necessary to send Epaphroditus to you with this letter. Epaphroditus is My brother, My companion in labor, My fellowsoldier, your messenger, and he that ministered to my wants.
26 Epaphroditus longed after you all and was full of heaviness because you had heard that he had been sick, and he was heavy-hearted from worrying to death about you Philippians being worried to death about his health. Boo-hoo. Poor Epaphroditus! 27Indeed, Epaphroditus was sick as a dog and nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him. God not only had mercy on him, but on Me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow if Epaphroditus were to die from his sickness. Boo-hoo. See what a sweet guy I am to care so much about Epaphroditus? Heh-heh.
28 My great love and concern for Epaphroditus caused Me to send him all the more carefully to you so that when you see him again, you may rejoice and I may be less sorrowful. Boo-hoo. Sob-sob. Heh-heh.
29 Therefore, thou shalt receive Epaphroditus in the Lord with all gladness. Thou shalt also hold to and promote the belief that Epaphroditus is a man of reputation. 30After all, his doing the work of Christ is that which caused him to be nigh unto death. Without having any regard for his own life, he nearly worked himself to death while serving Christ by serving Me. When he was serving Me, he was supplying Me with your lack of service toward Me. Shame on you Philippians! You should have been working yourselves to death by slaving away to serve Me by coughing up the dough to pay for My wants, too!
3.1 Finally, My Philippian Christian saints and brothers, thou shalt rejoice in the Lord! Hellelujah! For Me to write the same things over and over to you is indeed not grievous to Me. For you it is safe.
- 2 Thou shalt beware of dogs.
- Thou shalt beware of evil workers.
- In other words, thou shalt beware of the circumcision! Yes, thou shalt beware of the Lord's Jewish disciples.
3 After all, we Christians are the circumcision which worships God in the spirit and rejoices in Christ Jesus, and who have no confidence in the flesh of circumcised penes like the Lord's damned Jewish disciples do.
4 Ahem. Well, I might have to take that back because I might also have confidence in My flesh. After all, if any other man thinks that he has anything whereof he might trust in the flesh, I have more in My flesh to crow about than he does. 5After all,
- I was circumcised on the eighth day following My birth just like Jesus was.
- I am of the stock of Israel which makes Me a self-exalting, racist Jew.
- I am of the hoity-toity tribe of Benjamin.
- I am a hot-shot Hebrew among the Hebrews.
- When it comes to knowing and touching the law, I am a Pharisee.
- 6 As it concerns Jews having zeal, I persecuted the church of Christ WAY more than any of them did.
- As it concerns touching the righteousness which is contained within the Law of God, I am innocent of breaking ANY of God's laws and commandments even though I terrorized and murdered the Lord's disciples. So there! COCKADOODLE-DOO-DOO!
7 But all those things that were gained by Me from My pillaging, plundering, and looting the material wealth and goods of the Lord's disciples, those I counted as My loss for Christ. 8Yea, and it is doubtless that I am telling you the truth. Furthermore, I count all things as being but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus My Lord that I possess.
Are you still thinking that Paul did not set himself up to replace Jesus as the Savior of Christendumb?
Poor, poor pitiful Me. I have suffered the loss of all things for Christ. Boo-hoo. Sob-sob. All that stuff that I stole from the Lord's disciples is gone. Boo-hoo. Sob-sob. Don't you feel sorry for poor, poor pitiful Me?
I count all those things that I lost as just being a pile of dung, though. I count those losses as dung so that I may win Christ over to My side.
9 I also count all those riches I stole from Jesus' church as dung so that I can be found in Christ, too. When I am found dwelling inside Christ, I will not have My own righteousness with Me. My own righteousness is the kind of righteousness that comes from obeying the Law of God, you know. Instead of Me having the kind of righteousness that comes from obeying God, I shall be found in Christ as having that form of righteousness which is gained by willfully disobeying God and having the faith of Christ that says He dwells in Me instead. Yea, the form of righteousness that shall be found in Me when I am found dwelling inside Christ is the kind of righteousness of God that comes by having faith in Me. So there!
And you're still thinking that Paul did not set himself up to replace the Son of God as the Savior of Christendumb, eh?
10 I want to dwell inside Christ so that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection for Myself.
Hmm. Let's see. Paul claims to be writing to these Philippians from the bowel of Christ. So to what resurrection do you suppose Paul was referring? (Sorry, guys. I just couldn't resist it.)
Shut her up! Ahem. I want to have fellowship in Jesus' sufferings. Yes! I want to be slapped, whipped, scourged, spat upon, mocked, have a crown of thorns smashed into My scalp, nails driven through My hands and feet, be crucified, and stabbed in My side, too. So there! And I want to be made conformable to Jesus' death. Pssssssst. Hey, Francis. Command your fellow friers to inflict Me with the stigmata, too, okay? I would be sooooooo pleased to be crucified! Heh-heh.
11 I want to be crucified to see if I might attain the goal of being resurrected from the dead by any means like Jesus was.
12 Mind you, it's not as though I had already attained the resurrection like Christ did. It isn't like I am already perfect, either. But I WILL follow Myself to come back to haunt you in the spirit after My crucifixion if I may apprehend that goal of My being crucified and resurrected like Jesus was. If you think My goal is stupid, blame Jesus not Me, because Christ Jesus is He who apprehends Me and holds Me in bonds to My heart's desire to be crucified and resurrected like He was, you know.
13 I take that back, brothers. I do not count myself to have been apprehended by Christ except for His apprehending Me in this one thing. He has Me apprehended in forgetting those things which are behind Me, and reaching forth towards those things which are before Me. 14Therefore, I press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus in Me.
15 Therefore, let as many of us as are perfect like I am be thus minded. Yeah, all you perfect little Christian saints, deacons, and elders of Philippi should want to be mocked, tortured, and murdered, too, with the goal of your being resurrected from the dead by any means like Jesus was so you can find yourself resurrected inside Him like I desire. And if you be otherwise minded in anything, just wait. More shall be revealed, because God shall reveal even this unto you so that the day will come when you desire to be inflicted with the stigmata just like I and Francis of a sissy do. Heh-heh.
16 Nevertheless, regardless of how far we have already come in our spiritual quest, let us walk by the same rule: Mine! And let us all mind the same thing: Me!
17 Yes, brothers, thou shalt be followers together of Me. And thou shalt mark them which walk the Christian walk in obedience to Me. After all, you have us for an example to follow.
There it is, boys and girls; i.e., the mark of the beast: 666 / sick, sick, sick! from Revelation 13.16-17, 14.9-11, 15.2, 16.2, 19.20, & 20.4.
18 (For many other people walk the Walk, and they are the enemies of the cross of Christ.
I happen to be one of those people, I am happy to report. Ta-dah!
Therefore, they are YOUR enemies, Christians! And who might they be? The Lord's disciples, of course. I have often told you about them and how BAD, BAD, BAD they are! I now tell you about them again even while I am weeping. Boo-hoo. Sob-sob. Poor little old Me! So you Christians are to STAY AWAY FROM PETER, JOHN, AND JAMES! 19After all, their end is destruction! Their God is their belly! Their glory is in their shame! They are not Spirit-led. NO! They mind earthly things!)
20 But we Christians are soooooo much better than they are, for OUR conversation is in Heaven. We also dwell in Heaven from whence we also look for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Isn't it a shame that we cannot find Him there? Heh-heh.
21 Nevertheless, the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ shall change our vile body of Christendumb so that it may be fashioned to look like His glorious body. Ain't that great? And how shall He accomplish that? Well, He shall change our vile body into His body according to the working whereby He is able even to subdue all things unto Himself, babble, babble, babble. That's how! So there!
4.1 Therefore, YOU are my dearly beloved and longed for brethren! YOU are My joy and My crown! Just because I love you so much because you fill Me with joy and bejewel My crown, thou shalt stand fast in the Lord Paul, My dearly beloved!
2 Now I beseech you, Euodias and Syntyche, that thou shalt be of the same mind in the Lord as I am!
3 And I also intreat you true yoke fellows that thou shalt help those women, Clement, and My other fellow laborers whose names are in the Book of Life which labored with me in the Gospel. Yea, help them!
4 Thou shalt rejoice in the Lord always! And again I say, "Thou shalt rejoice!"
5 Thou shalt make your moderation to be known unto all men. Yes, thou shalt willfully defy Matthew 6.1-4:
"Take heed that you do not your alms before men to be seen of them. Otherwise you have no reward of your Father which is in Heaven. Therefore, when you do your alms, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, 'They have their reward.' But when you do alms, let not your left hand know what your right hand does so that your alms may be in secret. And your Father which sees in secret Himself shall reward you openly."
YES! I tell you again, willfully defy the Savior, for the Lord god Paul is at hand breathing down your neck! Heh-heh.
6 Thou shalt be careful for nothing. Go ahead! Be careless with your own salvation. Heh-heh.
Thou shalt make your requests to be made known by God in everything. The way thou shalt make God hear you is by means of your saying prayers and supplications with thanksgiving. 7Then the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds for Himself through Christ Jesus in Me!
8 Finally, brothers, thou shalt think about the following things:
- Whatsoever things are true.
- Whatsoever things are honest.
- Whatsoever things are just.
- Whatsoever things are pure.
- Whatsoever things are lovely.
- Whatsoever things are of good report.
- Whether or not there is any such thing as virtue.
- Whether or not there is any such thing as praise.
9 Thou shalt do those things which you have BOTH learned from Me, received from Me, heard from Me, and seen Me do. Then the God of peace shall be with you.
10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord now that at the last your care for your financial support of Me has flourished again. You didn't send quite enough money to Me, though, because you were also too careful and held back from sending Me all your dough. But then again, you lacked the opportunity to send Me more money when you didn't know exactly where I was.
11 Mind you, I am not speaking to you in respect to My being in want, for I have learned to be content with whatsoever state in which I am living. 12After all, I know both how to be abased and how to abound. Everywhere I go and in all things that I do, I am instructed by the Lord to be both full and hungry, to both abound with money and to suffer financial and material need. 13And that's just fine with Me, because I am sooooooo special that I can do all things through Christ because Christ strengthens Me.
14 Even though I can do all things well, you have done well, too, because you communicated with the affliction of My poverty by sending Me your loot.
15 Now you Philippians also know that when I began preaching My Gospel and departed from Macedonia, you Philippians were the only church that communicated with Me concerning giving Me money and receiving Me. 16Even when I was in Thessalonica you twice sent money to pay for my necessities.
17 When you send your money and stuff to Me, it is not because I desire a gift from you. Instead I desire fruit that may abound unto your account in Heaven. See, you can buy your way into Heaven by giving Christ your money by sending your money to My post office box.
18 As for Me, I have everything I need and I abound. My belly is full from having received the things which were sent from you by Epaphroditus. The things which you sent to Me are an odor of a sweet smell and an acceptable sacrifice that is wellpleasing to God. 19In turn, my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. So don't expect a thing in return from Me. Heh-heh.
20 Now unto God and our Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
21 Thou shalt salute every saint who dwells in Christ Jesus.
- The brothers who are with Me greet you.
- 22All the saints salute you, too. The saints who salute you are chiefly Romans of Caesar's household.
23The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.
Written to the Philippians from Rome by Epaphroditus.